Word Of The Week
Stjerneklart - A dark, quiet & clear sky in which the night is filled and illuminated only by stars
☮ ❤ ॐ
when u go out to eat with ur friends and have no money
no, thank you
THEY ARE THE SAME PERSON.
I realized I write to tumblr like it’s my diary sometimes. But I feel better after I write, soo I don’t really care if it’s dumb or anything.
Lately, I’ve spent many hours thinking about my life and my future and what I want in life. I want to be financially stable. I want to own three cats. I want to live in either Chicago, New York, Nashville, or Orlando. I want to sing. I want to perform. I want to be on that stage with lights shining down on me.
College is the absolute worst. Since December, I’ve had to endure stress to the max because of having bronchitis, school, both choirs i’m in, Dr. Priebe, trying to hang out with all of my friends separately because most of them don’t like each other, work, money, time management, auditions, deciding a major, having the immune system of a 3 day old baby, my grandpa’s deteriorating health, and trying to forget someone you’ve loved for 6 years.
I’m luckily doing okay in my classes. I’m not currently sick. And I am very thankful for the friends and family I have in my life.
However, Dr. Priebe really hurt me today. He doesn’t like that I don’t want to be an opera star. He HATES University Singers. He doesn’t think I should be a vocal performance major. And he doesn’t want to teach me anymore. Basically, he kicked me out of his studio. I have never been more hurt by a “mentor” before. The only positive thing he said to me was that he thinks I should try musical theatre because he said that’s more of what I’m looking for. Which I actually don’t know if that was a positive or negative thing. I did not tell him that I did audition in February. It is what I want to do, but it’s soo much harder to get into. The chance that I get into the MTO program is slim. But I want to go for it. I really do.
Also, one thing I’ve had to do is learn to let go of the girl I love. I’ve been truly, deeply in love with the same girl since my freshman year of high school. And I would want nothing more than to be with her forever. I’ve come to realize that she doesn’t feel the same way. Our paths have crossed many times but I don’t they will ever meet. She doesn’t respond to my texts anymore. There used to be a time when she didn’t think my texts were long enough for her. Now she doesn’t even respond at all. But she’ll text me when it’s convenient for her. She’s also transferring to the same college as the only guy who ever got between us, to what I can only assume is them getting back together.
She’s helped me realize what true love is. I know it’s corny, but if I really do love her, I need to let her go and be happy with someone else. At one point in my life, I took this in a wrong direction and used to cut myself. I did not cut for attention. On the contrary, no one knew until it was over. I was depressed and suicidal. I had death/suicidal nightmares for months and would wake up screaming with tears rolling down my face. I was a ghost for about 4 months of my life. I felt nothing for anything or anyone. I realized the last time I cut myself how selfish I was. If I were to die, I would be a huge disappointment to my family and friends. And I wouldn’t want any of them to be sad over me. Over stupid decisions that I made. I probably won’t ever date anyone or ever get married to someone because I know I will never love someone as much as her. But I’m becoming okay with that. I need to focus on myself and music, because singing is one of the only things that make me feel alive and all right.
My future isn’t clear. The paths laid out in front of me are currently; major in Vocal Performance with a minor in Spanish, a major in Spanish with a minor in Vocal Performance, a major in Theatrical Studies with a minor in Vocal Performance while trying to get into the Musical Theatre program.
I may make a wrong decision, but I just want to be happy again.